Unorthodox Skills
by Hystericaled
Summary: Because Jiraiya just can't resist payback to Orochimaru, Anko is just too innocent, Itachi is just too skilled. Eavesdropping is not the right thing to do, and now its Orochimaru's turn to find this out the hard way. OroXAnko and, if you squint, ItaXAnko.


**Summary:** Because Jiraiya just can't resist pay back to Orochimaru, Anko is just too innocent and Itachi is just too skilled. Eavesdropping is not the right thing to do, and now its Orochimaru's turn to find this out, the hard way.

**A/N:** Okay, so for those who have read the other two similar one-shots that I've written, perhaps you may have a premonition of what is coming up? (^.~)

For those interested, the other two co-related (in a dysfunctional sort of way) one-shots are 'Behind closed doors' and 'What makes a man'.  
>But allow me to stress that this fic can be read alone by itself, if you don't feel like reading others, so you definitely won't be confused~! :)<p>

Anyway, I felt that it was due time our dear Orochimaru get thrown into the situation that I've tortured his fellow members with! XD

As **Jigoku-Dayu93** put it so eloquently for me, someone is gonna be the perverted eavesdropper! And can you guess who it's going to be? ^^

Set when Orochimaru, Jiraiya, Tsunade and Sarutobi were on good terms.  
><strong>Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and any of its characters.<strong>

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><p>Jiraiya strode down the hallways of the classroom block. And damn, he was <em>pissed<em>. So he had lost to Orochimaru in that last challenge. Fine. But what was up with that guy and his ridiculous idea for a forfeit?

His blood boiled as the memories relived themselves in his head all over again.

~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~

_The plan was that he will be blindfolded and brought to somewhere by Orochimaru, but he won't be aware of where they are headed to until they reached there. _

_Plain and simple, Orochimaru had said._

_Jiraiya snickered inwardly. Even without his eyes, he could very well tell where they were going just based on his hearing and sensing. _

_Like say, if he were to hear the melodic sound of giggling, water splashing and occasional squealing, if he were to feel the warm temperature, the condensation of droplets on his skin and his blood pressure soaring high, he'd be able to tell instantly, even without the use of his eyes, that he was at the hot springs. _

_Together with girls and woman, scantily -promisingly- clad in thin towels that would hang dangerously loose around their ample chest, providing cover only till the upper thigh. _

_Without the use of sight, he could still picture the trail of every imaginary droplet, slowly making its way down sensitized and delicious creamy skin, leaving a wet and tempting trail behind. Down the valley between the breasts, down the taut stomach to the navel, further down the abdomen and -Jiraiya swallowed in anticipation- finally reaching the-_

_A sharp slap on the back of his head brought him out of his fantasy, leaving him scowling as he faced a smirking Orochimaru._

"_I don't even want to know what brought on this sudden nosebleed. If you can clean yourself __up now, I'd like to continue with your forfeit."_

_As he dabbed away at his nose, Orochimaru proceeded to explain certain details._

"_First, you will be blindfolded, as you already know. You will have to withdraw and mask your chakra, and then I'll cover you in mine. This," Orochimaru smirked, "will ensure that you truly don't know where we are headed to."_

_Damn, that Snake does think up of everything doesn't he..._

_Soon enough he was blindfolded, his chakra contained and then enfluged in Orochimaru's chakra, before Orochimaru took hold of his arm and brought him somewhere. The ever cautious bastard, his teammate led him in rounds before heading to the actual venue to ensure that Jiraiya lost his sense of direction._

"_Don't worry, it won't be anything bad. In fact, I think you might even enjoy it." Orochimaru's voice may come off as indifferent to others, but having been teammates so long, Jiraiya could pick up the hint of amusement in it._

_And when Orochimaru is amused, Jiraiya have known by experience that he should fear for his own safety._

_But a forfeit is a forfeit, his pride insisted, telling his self-preservation to get bent. He'd see this through no matter what._

"_Listen," Orochimaru voiced, after they had traveled for some time. "I'll have to carry you now, the road will be a little complicated."_

_Before Jiraiya could even complain or put up any form of resistance, Orochimaru threw him up into the air before catching him with one hand -strength enhanced with chakra- on the Toad Sage's stomach. _

_A few choice expletives escaped Jiraiya's mouth as he struggled, the feeling of being airborne with only one hand holding him up at his stomach obviously not settling well with him. He was a freaking _ninja_, not a bird!_

"_There is a farm nearby that I know of, with an ever increasing pile of pigs manure. Struggle any further and I'll just dump you in it."_

_Jiraiya stopped moving._

"_I thought so too." Even with his senses hindered, Jiraiya could practically hear the smirk in Orochimaru's voice. Promising himself that he'd wring his friend's pale neck at the first opportunity possible, Jiraiya could only grit his teeth and follow with the plan._

_All too soon, they came to a stop._

"_Alright, here we are. Try to come out of this alive will you?" It was the first warning, that indicated that something was __very _wrong_._

_As Orochimaru withdrew his purple-tinged chakra at the same time he threw Jiraiya forward, Jiraiya twisted in the air while yanking the blindfold off, managing to see a gleeful look on Orochimaru's face. _

_He had to do a double take to ensure that he wasn't seeing things, Orochimaru hardly being the type to be so expressively happy. But, by then, the Snake-summoner had already disappeared in a puff of smoke._

_That was his second warning. _

_Then, his senses came back in a rush as all hell broke loose._

_Someone screamed. _

_High-pitched, very familiar, he thought. Sounds almost like a certain person he dubbed as the 'flat-chested kunoichi'._

_More screaming now mixed with profanities that he was oh-so-familiar with. Afterall, they usually signaled the need for his to visit the Konoha hospital and take up resident there for weeks._

_Oh shit. It didn't just sound like that person, _it WAS that person.

_Now someone else screamed, a deeper male voice. He didn't know who was it, didn't want to know who was it. IT WASN'T HIM._

"_JIRAIYA! You __**DARE**__ peek on me through the window of my bathroom!" Tsunade's voice sounded over the scream._

_Holding up his hands innocently, Jiraiya stammered. "Wait, _WAIT!_ I can explain!"_

"_EXPLAIN THIS!"_

_What felt like the weight of a thousand ton elephant hit his face. _

_And then he blacked out._

_~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~_

Getting hit was one thing, Jiraiya fumed, but what truly irritated him was that...he didn't even get any view at all!

'Cause, by the time he turned to face her, Tsunade had finished pulling her towel around her, _conveniently missing the sight of Orochimaru_, her eyes already sending death glares at him.

Getting hit without actually seeing anything was sooo NOT worth it.

Caught up in his thoughts, he did not notice the approaching body until they both collided.

"Oww~! Hey! Watch it you big fat oa- OH." Brown eyes widened as Anko saw who bumped into her. "Mr. Toad, it's you."

Grinning sheepishly, Jiraiya apologized. "Heh, didn't see you there kid, sorry."

Anko gave him a contemplative look as she muttered to herself. "Maybe I should ask him... I mean, he _is _sensei's teammate and all..."

"You need some help?"

She fidgeted for a moment before answering him. "Well, you see... Orochimaru-sensei have been pretty packed with missions and stuff lately, and I was just thinking of how to help him relax."

Jiraiya gave her a sly look. "Aww, you are reeaaally concerned for him eh, Anko?"

Anko's cheeks heated up almost instantly. "N..No! It's not like that! It's just..." she bristled as she search for her answer.

"...just that if he is not in his top condition, he won't be able to train me properly!"

"Oh is that right." Jiraiya drawled as Anko's face became permanently red.

"Argh. Whatever. So are you going to help or not?" She asked hotly.

An idea slowly forming in his head, Jiraiya motioned for her to come closer, before whispering into her ear.

"I know of this activity that you can do with him, every man _loves _it, and it is a stress-reliever, trust me, I know it first hand. Increases energy and vitality, certified revitalizer and deeply satisfying, if you ask me. It is... ... ..."

"Will it really work?" She asked excitedly after the explanation, eyes sparkling.

"Yeah. But you may need assistance to do it properly, and I know just the right guy to show you the..._ropes_. Ask Itachi for help, he has experience in this area."

Anko looked dumbfounded. "Itachi? As in, _Uchiha_ Itachi? He knows this kind of stuff?"

"Yes, yes. It is sometimes necessary in certain missions. Makes information gathering all the more smoother, makes people more talkative you know. Afterall, one must use all skills in his arsenal."

Convinced, Anko's initial frown broke into an eager smile. "If you say so. Where can I find him?"

"You can find him in class 2-B. In fact, he should be alon-"

Before he could finish his sentence, she was already gone. Chuckling, Jiraiya went off in search for his snake-like friend.

Oh, this is so easy.

_~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~_

"Go away Jiraiya. I'm busy." Orochimaru said, the moment the Toad Sage landed on his windowsill, eyes still on the report in front of him.

"Oh, what a pity," Jiraiya sighed, slapping in the dramatics and lavishing it in layers. "It is just that I saw Anko going into Itachi's classroom. She was mumbling something about-"

Jiraiya screwed up his face in thought. "Hmm...what was it again? Ah yes, something about relieving stress and deeply satisfying, I think. But-" A dramatic _sigh_ over here. "-since you are so busy, I guess I shouldn't have bothered you. I probably heard wrong anyway."

"Yes, glad that you've noticed that I've no time for your antics. Unlike you I've reports to go through and finish. Now why don't you go make yourself more useful? I hear that Tsunade is in need of a punching bag."

"Fine, fine, I'll leave. Happy finishing your report then." Jiraiya hopped out of the window, before landing lightly on the ground. But instead of heading off, he stayed underneath the shelter, in the shadow of the apartment complex for Jounins.

One minute.

Two minut-

Orochimaru's silhouette leapt across the rooftops, heading towards the Academy's classroom block.

Jiraiya chuckled. '_Reports to go through and finish_' huh.

As he said, too easy.

_~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~_

Orochimaru strode towards the classroom, not really knowing what to believe. Jiraiya was always one to exaggerate things so if this was another trick, he wouldn't be surprised.

In fact, after that 'incident' with Tsunade, he had been expecting Jiraiya to get back at him. It was just that... he wasn't expecting this.

It could be a trick, just to make him run a fool's errand. And he wasn't oblivious to what Jiraiya was trying to imply with words like "deeply satisfying" and "relieving stress".

But the thought of Anko and Itachi doing... He shuddered.

Orochimaru could only hope that Jiraiya was just pulling his leg.

As he neared the classroom, his steps became soundless, years of stealth training coming in instinctively.

The light filtered through, as door to the classroom was ajar, and an all too familiar voice drifted out.

"Just get on with it now, show me how it is done!" Anko demanded.

"Are you sure? It is your first time, and I might end up hurting you." This distinctive monotonous tone… Orochimaru's eyes narrowed a fraction. _Uchiha Itachi._

"Stop being such a worry wart, I'll be fine!"

A sigh. "Well if you insist. You have to sit here first."

Peering through the crack in the door, Orochimaru could only see the back of Itachi's navy blue high-collared shirt. Over Itachi's shoulders, he could just see the top part of Anko's violet hair.

Since the Uchiha was sitting down, that means Anko was sitting in front of Itachi, he reasoned. Or maybe, she is sitting _on_ him, a nasty voice spoke up. Frowning, he squashed it down with a vengeance. No point getting misled by meaningless assumptions.

"Ahh! Oh crap, that hurt!" Anko wailed a little.

"Just relax, don't tense up. Breathe in and out slowly. It'll only hurt cause your muscles are tense." Itachi's voice was one of concentration.

Orochimaru's thoughts started to run wild. What if they are really...

Breathe, I have to breathe, Orochimaru told himself, hands clenching into fists as he fought to control his escalating...what, fury? Why was he angry anyway? He didn't know, but it didn't seem important now.

He took Itachi's advice though it wasn't meant for him.

_Good breathing, calming breathing... _It helped him think properly. Surely Anko wouldn't do that. He have taught her better than that. Jiraiya must have overheard wrongly, that big idiot. His breath evened out.

A groan floated through the door. "Ahh yess...that spot..."

Crap. _Bye bye clam..._

"That's it, just relax." And Orochimaru swore that he could hear the smile in Itachi's voice.

As each second passed, Orochimaru's eyes widened in shock. He didn't want to believe what Jiraiya hinted at but... What in the WORLD are they really doing?

"Mmm...harder Itachi, a little to the left..." Anko was...moaning? Orochimaru felt his nails dig into his palms.

"Feels good now doesn't it, Ank-"

A loud bang, as the door flew open and Orochimaru entered the room, chaotic storm in his golden irises, a frown on his face.

"What, pray tell, do both of you-"

"Orochimaru-sensei~!" Anko squealed as she leapt up from her position of sitting in front of Itachi, rushing over to hug him around the waist. Itachi stood up and offered a polite bow to him.

Orochimaru glanced at them. They were both...fully clothed?

At the sight of the slight confusion reflected in the Sannin's eyes, Itachi explained. "Anko was just asking me to demonstrate the art of massaging. It seems that she was very eager to learn it, though for what reasons, I wasn't informed."

The art of massaging-

Orochimaru's eyes narrowed. Why that insufferable Toad...

He'd personally make sure that Manda will soon have amphibians on the menu.

_~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~.*~_

**Omake (a little OOC)**

Orochimaru was in a pinch.

As the noise within the classroom escalated, he wanted to rush in. But then, he have never been caught in this kind of situation before.

If he went in and they were in the middle of..._it_, really, what should he do? He maybe a genius and all, but this was not in his field of knowledge.

Orochimaru frowned. It seems that he'll have to resort to _that_ method again.

He still remembered the last time he used this method to decide on which of two dishes he'll have to eat.

That time, the whole team was on a mission outside of Fire country, so the food was rather...different, to say the least. And of the three covered dishes presented to them that day, Tsunade had already made her pick. And -that lucky girl- she had a type of fish burger. Which they later found out to be dolphin meat, to Tsunade's unadulterated horror. So maybe she wasn't so lucky afterall.

At that time, Orochimaru had the next choice.

And using his method -secretly, in the bathroom, away from the prying eyes of his teammates- his chosen dish was roasted rabbit in onion and mushroom sauce. He was never able to meet the eyes of his pet, Thumper, again.

But considering that Jiraiya got a plate full of wasp crackers, Orochimaru thought that he was rather lucky.

He took in a deep breath. If the method didn't fail him then, hopefully it won't fail him now.

Heads, he wait till they are done. Tails, he barge in now.

He flicked the coin.

Tails.

Alright, he's going in.

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><p>So how was it? Any favorite parts or lines? :)<br>Reviews are loved~! XD


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